i'm scared, too
but the children are counting on us
There is something about a teenage son telling you not to die that makes you more resolved about it yourself. Having stayed up late to watch (just the beginning) of the full lunar eclipse (because there was school the next day), which we did alone together in the belly of the woods (because why do otherwise if you have the choice?), he was (unlike me) satisfied after 15 minutes. I offered him the lantern to find his way back on his own, which he rebuffed. He’s taller than me now, and stronger. He can lift my body weight. But I’m still his mama and he’s still my first baby and he’s still not a man yet and he still needs me to walk him home.
What a luxury. Such few more times will I be asked.
When he reached the back door, palm on the knob, he turned and understood my intentions. You’re going back? I nodded. Well… don’t die. I smiled. I’ll do my best.
I know what my children think: that their mother is not scared of anything. They are wrong, of course, but I do not tell them that. I do not tell them I am terrified. One son told me yesterday that his friends say I am a Mad Woman, a witch, for all the lore he reports. But I am no witch, and I know this because a witch wouldn’t feel afraid, you see. And I do.
After our separation I returned to the woods, stayed awhile, sang. When I got too spooked I relocated to the open prairie, to the grasses that had been flattened by snow or tractor or a particularly hoofy herd of deer. There, I lay down under the big dipper (told you I always find it) and watched our shadow — yours, mine, ours — eat the moon.
What a fearsome shadow we cast. I am afraid of it. I am afraid of it, but I do not tell my children that. I let them think their mother is brave, and I tell them what
said to tell them. I tell them they can make this place beautiful.
Des Moines Book Festival
Next Saturday, March 22, I will be at the Des Moines Book Festival to speak on the “Inspiring Words” panel alongside Jann Freed, Melissa Rose Harris, and Joyce Rupp. This is my first time doing a festival panel, and I’m pretty jazzed about it. If you live in Iowa, come out and say hi. (Bonus: it’s kid-friendly!)
Andrea Bocelli’s version of the song “You’ll Never Walk Alone” is comforting to me in these scary times.”
So true. Love the excerpt.