My wife went through two horrible rounds of breaking herself trying to breastfeed our children. Months of triple-feeding and mastitis later (both times) finally resigning herself in a complicated mix of shame and grace and self-assurance that this was ok -- that motherhood and breastfeeding have always been communal, life supported in networks not isolation, that for so long lives were just lost in situations like hers. The vast gap between how this inability to breastfeed and decision to stop impacted the two of us has been my most visceral window into what women hold and what holds women. Grateful for your writing as another window into that wild, verdant, scorched, grace-needing landscape.
This is a powerful story, and I'm grateful you shared it here Nathan. Before birthing my own child I honestly had no idea how deeply personal the venture of breastfeeding is for a woman - which feels like a glaring miss since I'd been female for 30 years by that point. There is a huge gap (as there always seems to be when it comes to women's health) in our society for education, awareness, and normalizing this topic.
The ideas we choose to reject (release?) are at least as important as the ones we keep. What a powerful reminder that the actual, physical images we’re surrounded by matter deeply. They’re not just an aesthetic reflection of our preferences and style, they’re mirrors into our deeply held beliefs, ideals, hopes and dreams. This was a much needed reminder that it’s good to let go of ideas that restrict fullness of being.
I love the way you write about being a mother, Shannon. Here is a link to an 1891 painting going the rounds that some people may think disturbing but strikes me as real and not only brings humanity to the incarnation but shows the power of Mary and a different and very loving view of Joseph.
I’m stuck unpacking the rather short lived (I hope) myth known rather well by women born around 1980 that “women can have/do it all!” The exhaustion! After rejecting that myth, I am muddling through the question, “What means enough to me to keep?” Not sure I’ll ever have a definitive answer, but I’m thankful for the companionship of your perspective on the journey. I’ve never heard of that magazine, but am going to check it out more!
Yes, totally. I suppose it's understandable in the context of history and feminism, but eek so many of us 80s babies are having a hard time shaking that one. Myself included.
Thank you for this reflection! Framing the struggle as “unwilling” rather than “unable” brings choice and agency--it’s not that I can’t, it’s that I don’t want to and therefore won’t. There’s an intentionality in being unwilling that lifts a burden and invites me to step into my full self. I get to CHOOSE my path.
The question of “what myth am I unable to live up to today?” also stuck out to me--I’m relatively newly married (almost 1.5 years!), and I’ve been learning that there are so many messages I’ve absorbed in the almost-30-years of my life that put all these expectations on me and raise the bar way too high. (I’m very grateful that my husband doesn’t hold me to these same mythical expectations, which highlights for me how deeply these myths are ingrained in myself!) It seems to me a good reflection/journaling prompt of what myth(s) I’m feeling unable to live up to in a given day, asking myself whether I want to live up to that myth or if I can choose to be unwilling, and then letting go of the mythical standard and acting accordingly throughout my day. (Time for me to go to write that on a notecard so I can remember it!) Thank you for the invitation to reflection!
I love how you pointed out that this reframing emphasizes choice and agency. That is so important in determining how we see things. Thank you for sharing all of this. The newlywed years are certainly a time for breaking down myths! Oof. It can be hard.
My therapist is the one that taught me to replace “I can’t” with “I choose not to” to give myself more agency, so I can’t take all the credit. Shoutout to her for teaching me to look for that shift! Definitely easier said than done, and definitely something I need to continue working on, so thank you again for this reflection and reminder!
Here’s what I wrote on my notecard as a reflection/journaling prompt! It feels more thought-out than my initial rambles, so I wanted to share in case it’s useful for anyone:
- What myths do I feel I need to live up to today? Why?
- What aspects am I unable to live up to, and which am I unwilling?
- I am not bound by the myths I’ve been told. Today, how can I honor the path I choose?
(inspired by Shannon K. Evans “unable or unwilling?” on Substack 1/20/24)
As a fellow writer and columnist, I have found it helpful to draw my readers in at the start of my column. Perhaps using your phrase "If that bothers you, please talk to a therapist about it — not me" may not be the most effective way of inviting your following to lean in and read what you have to say? It's upsetting to be told such a thing. Might there be a better opener when addressing your readers?
I respect this input, Joy! It was definitely a choice and not one made without thought. I understood that saying that would be off-putting to some readers. But I also knew there would be readers who would feel represented and unburdened by seeing those words (and maybe even get a needed giggle out of it).
That line is what drew me in! I wonder where the resistance you’re experiencing comes from? I’ll invite a reframe - rather than “it’s upsetting to be told such a thing” what if you sat with “I felt upset when I read that.”
My wife went through two horrible rounds of breaking herself trying to breastfeed our children. Months of triple-feeding and mastitis later (both times) finally resigning herself in a complicated mix of shame and grace and self-assurance that this was ok -- that motherhood and breastfeeding have always been communal, life supported in networks not isolation, that for so long lives were just lost in situations like hers. The vast gap between how this inability to breastfeed and decision to stop impacted the two of us has been my most visceral window into what women hold and what holds women. Grateful for your writing as another window into that wild, verdant, scorched, grace-needing landscape.
This is a powerful story, and I'm grateful you shared it here Nathan. Before birthing my own child I honestly had no idea how deeply personal the venture of breastfeeding is for a woman - which feels like a glaring miss since I'd been female for 30 years by that point. There is a huge gap (as there always seems to be when it comes to women's health) in our society for education, awareness, and normalizing this topic.
Thank you Shannon <3
The ideas we choose to reject (release?) are at least as important as the ones we keep. What a powerful reminder that the actual, physical images we’re surrounded by matter deeply. They’re not just an aesthetic reflection of our preferences and style, they’re mirrors into our deeply held beliefs, ideals, hopes and dreams. This was a much needed reminder that it’s good to let go of ideas that restrict fullness of being.
"they're mirrors into our deeply held beliefs..." wow. Yes.
I love the way you write about being a mother, Shannon. Here is a link to an 1891 painting going the rounds that some people may think disturbing but strikes me as real and not only brings humanity to the incarnation but shows the power of Mary and a different and very loving view of Joseph.
https://www.birthundisturbed.com/the-creation-of-man
I love this, Mike! I remember seeing it online last Christmas and had forgotten about it. Beautiful.
Unable or unwilling? These words, this question, has sparked a shift in me. Thank you.
I can't tell you how happy that makes me. Thank you for sharing, Diane.
I’m stuck unpacking the rather short lived (I hope) myth known rather well by women born around 1980 that “women can have/do it all!” The exhaustion! After rejecting that myth, I am muddling through the question, “What means enough to me to keep?” Not sure I’ll ever have a definitive answer, but I’m thankful for the companionship of your perspective on the journey. I’ve never heard of that magazine, but am going to check it out more!
Yes, totally. I suppose it's understandable in the context of history and feminism, but eek so many of us 80s babies are having a hard time shaking that one. Myself included.
Thank you for this reflection! Framing the struggle as “unwilling” rather than “unable” brings choice and agency--it’s not that I can’t, it’s that I don’t want to and therefore won’t. There’s an intentionality in being unwilling that lifts a burden and invites me to step into my full self. I get to CHOOSE my path.
The question of “what myth am I unable to live up to today?” also stuck out to me--I’m relatively newly married (almost 1.5 years!), and I’ve been learning that there are so many messages I’ve absorbed in the almost-30-years of my life that put all these expectations on me and raise the bar way too high. (I’m very grateful that my husband doesn’t hold me to these same mythical expectations, which highlights for me how deeply these myths are ingrained in myself!) It seems to me a good reflection/journaling prompt of what myth(s) I’m feeling unable to live up to in a given day, asking myself whether I want to live up to that myth or if I can choose to be unwilling, and then letting go of the mythical standard and acting accordingly throughout my day. (Time for me to go to write that on a notecard so I can remember it!) Thank you for the invitation to reflection!
I love how you pointed out that this reframing emphasizes choice and agency. That is so important in determining how we see things. Thank you for sharing all of this. The newlywed years are certainly a time for breaking down myths! Oof. It can be hard.
My therapist is the one that taught me to replace “I can’t” with “I choose not to” to give myself more agency, so I can’t take all the credit. Shoutout to her for teaching me to look for that shift! Definitely easier said than done, and definitely something I need to continue working on, so thank you again for this reflection and reminder!
Here’s what I wrote on my notecard as a reflection/journaling prompt! It feels more thought-out than my initial rambles, so I wanted to share in case it’s useful for anyone:
- What myths do I feel I need to live up to today? Why?
- What aspects am I unable to live up to, and which am I unwilling?
- I am not bound by the myths I’ve been told. Today, how can I honor the path I choose?
(inspired by Shannon K. Evans “unable or unwilling?” on Substack 1/20/24)
This question has stayed with me since I read it yesterday. What an important idea!
Thank you for telling me, Deborah. I'm glad you're here reading along.
As a fellow writer and columnist, I have found it helpful to draw my readers in at the start of my column. Perhaps using your phrase "If that bothers you, please talk to a therapist about it — not me" may not be the most effective way of inviting your following to lean in and read what you have to say? It's upsetting to be told such a thing. Might there be a better opener when addressing your readers?
I respect this input, Joy! It was definitely a choice and not one made without thought. I understood that saying that would be off-putting to some readers. But I also knew there would be readers who would feel represented and unburdened by seeing those words (and maybe even get a needed giggle out of it).
That line is what drew me in! I wonder where the resistance you’re experiencing comes from? I’ll invite a reframe - rather than “it’s upsetting to be told such a thing” what if you sat with “I felt upset when I read that.”