My wife went through two horrible rounds of breaking herself trying to breastfeed our children. Months of triple-feeding and mastitis later (both times) finally resigning herself in a complicated mix of shame and grace and self-assurance that this was ok -- that motherhood and breastfeeding have always been communal, life supported in networks not isolation, that for so long lives were just lost in situations like hers. The vast gap between how this inability to breastfeed and decision to stop impacted the two of us has been my most visceral window into what women hold and what holds women. Grateful for your writing as another window into that wild, verdant, scorched, grace-needing landscape.
The ideas we choose to reject (release?) are at least as important as the ones we keep. What a powerful reminder that the actual, physical images we’re surrounded by matter deeply. They’re not just an aesthetic reflection of our preferences and style, they’re mirrors into our deeply held beliefs, ideals, hopes and dreams. This was a much needed reminder that it’s good to let go of ideas that restrict fullness of being.
I love the way you write about being a mother, Shannon. Here is a link to an 1891 painting going the rounds that some people may think disturbing but strikes me as real and not only brings humanity to the incarnation but shows the power of Mary and a different and very loving view of Joseph.
I’m stuck unpacking the rather short lived (I hope) myth known rather well by women born around 1980 that “women can have/do it all!” The exhaustion! After rejecting that myth, I am muddling through the question, “What means enough to me to keep?” Not sure I’ll ever have a definitive answer, but I’m thankful for the companionship of your perspective on the journey. I’ve never heard of that magazine, but am going to check it out more!
Thank you for this reflection! Framing the struggle as “unwilling” rather than “unable” brings choice and agency--it’s not that I can’t, it’s that I don’t want to and therefore won’t. There’s an intentionality in being unwilling that lifts a burden and invites me to step into my full self. I get to CHOOSE my path.
The question of “what myth am I unable to live up to today?” also stuck out to me--I’m relatively newly married (almost 1.5 years!), and I’ve been learning that there are so many messages I’ve absorbed in the almost-30-years of my life that put all these expectations on me and raise the bar way too high. (I’m very grateful that my husband doesn’t hold me to these same mythical expectations, which highlights for me how deeply these myths are ingrained in myself!) It seems to me a good reflection/journaling prompt of what myth(s) I’m feeling unable to live up to in a given day, asking myself whether I want to live up to that myth or if I can choose to be unwilling, and then letting go of the mythical standard and acting accordingly throughout my day. (Time for me to go to write that on a notecard so I can remember it!) Thank you for the invitation to reflection!
As a fellow writer and columnist, I have found it helpful to draw my readers in at the start of my column. Perhaps using your phrase "If that bothers you, please talk to a therapist about it — not me" may not be the most effective way of inviting your following to lean in and read what you have to say? It's upsetting to be told such a thing. Might there be a better opener when addressing your readers?
My wife went through two horrible rounds of breaking herself trying to breastfeed our children. Months of triple-feeding and mastitis later (both times) finally resigning herself in a complicated mix of shame and grace and self-assurance that this was ok -- that motherhood and breastfeeding have always been communal, life supported in networks not isolation, that for so long lives were just lost in situations like hers. The vast gap between how this inability to breastfeed and decision to stop impacted the two of us has been my most visceral window into what women hold and what holds women. Grateful for your writing as another window into that wild, verdant, scorched, grace-needing landscape.
The ideas we choose to reject (release?) are at least as important as the ones we keep. What a powerful reminder that the actual, physical images we’re surrounded by matter deeply. They’re not just an aesthetic reflection of our preferences and style, they’re mirrors into our deeply held beliefs, ideals, hopes and dreams. This was a much needed reminder that it’s good to let go of ideas that restrict fullness of being.
I love the way you write about being a mother, Shannon. Here is a link to an 1891 painting going the rounds that some people may think disturbing but strikes me as real and not only brings humanity to the incarnation but shows the power of Mary and a different and very loving view of Joseph.
https://www.birthundisturbed.com/the-creation-of-man
Unable or unwilling? These words, this question, has sparked a shift in me. Thank you.
I’m stuck unpacking the rather short lived (I hope) myth known rather well by women born around 1980 that “women can have/do it all!” The exhaustion! After rejecting that myth, I am muddling through the question, “What means enough to me to keep?” Not sure I’ll ever have a definitive answer, but I’m thankful for the companionship of your perspective on the journey. I’ve never heard of that magazine, but am going to check it out more!
Thank you for this reflection! Framing the struggle as “unwilling” rather than “unable” brings choice and agency--it’s not that I can’t, it’s that I don’t want to and therefore won’t. There’s an intentionality in being unwilling that lifts a burden and invites me to step into my full self. I get to CHOOSE my path.
The question of “what myth am I unable to live up to today?” also stuck out to me--I’m relatively newly married (almost 1.5 years!), and I’ve been learning that there are so many messages I’ve absorbed in the almost-30-years of my life that put all these expectations on me and raise the bar way too high. (I’m very grateful that my husband doesn’t hold me to these same mythical expectations, which highlights for me how deeply these myths are ingrained in myself!) It seems to me a good reflection/journaling prompt of what myth(s) I’m feeling unable to live up to in a given day, asking myself whether I want to live up to that myth or if I can choose to be unwilling, and then letting go of the mythical standard and acting accordingly throughout my day. (Time for me to go to write that on a notecard so I can remember it!) Thank you for the invitation to reflection!
This question has stayed with me since I read it yesterday. What an important idea!
As a fellow writer and columnist, I have found it helpful to draw my readers in at the start of my column. Perhaps using your phrase "If that bothers you, please talk to a therapist about it — not me" may not be the most effective way of inviting your following to lean in and read what you have to say? It's upsetting to be told such a thing. Might there be a better opener when addressing your readers?