women's fear
and the price we're willing to pay to feel safe from it
When my oldest son was four years old, he trapped a bug under a clear plastic container in our backyard. Drunk on power and curiosity, he leaned in close, studying the beetle and shrieking with delight in the cleverly designed freedom to do so. It was innocent. It was educational. It was harmless. But it didn’t matter: My brain and my body went into overdrive. A force rose from inside of me so primal, so clear, that I could actually feel it begin in my stomach and spread out and up, like a flower blooming, like an octopus reaching; the impulse to save, to defend, to protect what was threatened and vulnerable. It was physically impossible for me to refrain from intervention. I freed the beetle.
Nearby, my newborn baby lay on a blanket in the sun, unaware that his very existence had changed my cellular makeup.
Some years ago I lay supine on a yoga mat, listening as a tanned and toned woman in coordinating lululemon moaned to the hapless yogi beside her about the injustices of her teen daughter’s track & field experience — namely, the presence of a transgender girl on a rival team. “It’s hard to be motivated to really try when you’re running against a boy,” she sniffed.
I do not recognize a motherhood that ends with one’s own children. But fear is a loathsome thing, and some women assuage theirs by aligning with the strongest power.
Female orca whales spend decades teaching each other’s calves how to hunt and how to parent. Female elephants form a defensive circle around other elephants’ young to protect them from predators. Female gorillas babysit each other’s infants so the mother can rest or forage for food.
And human mothers? Human mothers will parade their daughters beside a self-described sexual predator before they will defend the child of another who’s been chosen as the sacrificial lamb. Because this is not about conviction, it never has been. This is about women’s fear, and the price we are willing to pay to feel safe from it.
IMPORTANT:
Protecting the wellbeing of trans readers is my top priority in the comment section, and I’m happy to pray a quick “God bless you and keep you as I quickly delete you” if need be. (Though I don’t expect to, because my readership has always been incredibly thoughtful and considerate of others!)
With love and tenderness,
Shannon
Thank you Shannon. It takes courage, deep love, and an understanding that we need not fear the “other”, that the “other” is also us, is our family, is to be celebrated for their uniqueness, to stand firmly in support of our common humanity. The liberation of all people is tied to the liberation of trans folks and the liberation of other oppressed and marginalized folks.
To fall in line and clap and nod takes no courage. It diminishes us. To clap and nod at the oppressor, to me, indicates a deep self loathing, self esteem that is mist thin, and a near complete absence of sense of self. When these are the conditions, reaching for something, anything to hold onto, is a natural result.
I believe that is why we are seeing this play out. The lack of self trust clouds the vision. Cultivating self trust is critical work. Only when we trust ourselves will we willingly step outside of the status quo. We as a culture have allowed ourselves to be lured away from self trust and towards looking outside ourselves for truth. The truth when we look within is that we are always held, that we are connected to everything, Fear is dangerous. It is the gaping maw of the un-self.
No child is someone else’s problem. If your child’s life is on the judgment stand, so is my child’s. None of us knows when we’ll need each other to stand up for our kid. I’m glad I live in a world with women like you.