Thank you for this. I love Chappell and I also love motherhood. Yes, there are times where we are unhappy as mothers but it's because we are pushed to our freaking limits. Then those little moments of grace can be enough to bring that wave of joy. I pray that my children remember that more then the times that I have let my anger or frustrations get the best of me.
Damn, woman. This is, well, everything. Recently my 9 year old who rarely if ever says “I love you” but shows it with the sign language 🤟 put his hands on my shoulders and started rubbing them. (Oh, he’s also not super into physical touch, when he hugs, it’s more of a lean in than an embrace). My breath caught in the back of my throat. My heart beat a little faster. I smiled and eased back into his arms. At the time I didn’t articulate it as you do here, but I did know something warm and delightful was happening, and that it was because I am a mother. It’s all a hellhole, ya know, until it isn’t. And when it isn’t is, well, everything. Thank you. (This essay should be published in mother tongue, btw).
Yes! Yes! Yes! (in the When Harry Met Sally sense of things-- such a dated reference):
I think it matters that I tell you that when one of my children reaches for my hand in a store, or cracks a joke that makes me cackle, or dances with me in the kitchen, my soul is, just for a moment, relieved of the burden of being human in this harsh world; just for a moment asked to hold nothing but the pleasure of loving and being loved.
I have a 22 and a 19 year old and this is still true, though they aren't reaching for my hand or sitting on my lap for a squeeze anymore or dancing with me in the kitchen bc they don't live here. (Okay, sometimes I still get a hug now and again.) But I do get to dance to music they make and laugh at their jokes and have amazing conversations with them that make me feel the same way. Thanks for articulating it, and I hope Chappell gets to read it! What are the chances?
I am 100% here for the WHMS reference! 😂 love it so much
And one of my favorite things is hearing moms of young adults describe their new relationship with their kids. It makes me excited for the future, so thanks for that gift.
Motherhood has saved me too. Again and again. So many years my only pleasure. And now these adults that I call my own? It is pure unadulterated pleasure to be loved by them. I will stake my life on the fact that motherhood does not make one woman superior to another. But I will also defend it beauty will all my being.
As a middle aged woman who has never had the privilege of being a biological mother, I loved reading this! It helped me understand a glimpse into the beauty in motherhood. Thank you for staring into space for hours in order to articulate it for us, Shan! :)
I’m not a mum and am coming through the grief of that but reading this has shown me that with my four nieces and one neph I do share many of the pleasures that you mention. When one of the kids trusts me with a sweet wrapper or a secret feeling or shows me something they’ve made or screams out the name they’ve made up for me - I am saved. Being seen by a kid is gold. Thank you for helping me to feel included 💛
Reading this nodding empathetically yelling "YES!!!!" over and over again. Thank you for sharing your lived experience, your thoughts and your words 👏 ✨ Especially this- "I think it matters that I tell you that for all the ways mothering sucks the life out of me, it also breathes it back a hundredfold. I think it matters that I tell you that my children’s companionship has pulled me from the brink of darkness, unbeknownst to them. I think it matters that I tell you that when one of my children reaches for my hand in a store, or cracks a joke that makes me cackle, or dances with me in the kitchen, my soul is, just for a moment, relieved of the burden of being human in this harsh world; just for a moment asked to hold nothing but the pleasure of loving and being loved."
I have long thought that part of the problem with trying to describe the pleasures of motherhood is that we don't have adequate ways to talk about bodies that aren't sexualized. There is this exquisite joy that comes with the proximity and intimacy that parenting brings - the touch, sound, smell, sight, feel of caring for another small, tender, growing body and mind and soul - but how can we express this without sounding weird or creepy? But watching them growing, just beholding them at all, let alone the absolute transformation involved if we get to bear and birth and nurse them - it has utterly turned my world upside down and I struggle to put it into words. Thank you for wrestling with the ineffable. We need more of this, because I fear that we are haven't adequately conveyed the heights as well as the depths of what mothering means.
Laura, my oldest is 11 and I believe while he was still very young I first heard a statement about adoring your child so much you could eat them. I immediately thought that while it such a strange statement it is absolutely true. We lack words that articulate the feeling of love for our children and end up with all these other odd ways of expressing how we feel.
Thank you for this. I love Chappell and I also love motherhood. Yes, there are times where we are unhappy as mothers but it's because we are pushed to our freaking limits. Then those little moments of grace can be enough to bring that wave of joy. I pray that my children remember that more then the times that I have let my anger or frustrations get the best of me.
I know they will ❤️
Damn, woman. This is, well, everything. Recently my 9 year old who rarely if ever says “I love you” but shows it with the sign language 🤟 put his hands on my shoulders and started rubbing them. (Oh, he’s also not super into physical touch, when he hugs, it’s more of a lean in than an embrace). My breath caught in the back of my throat. My heart beat a little faster. I smiled and eased back into his arms. At the time I didn’t articulate it as you do here, but I did know something warm and delightful was happening, and that it was because I am a mother. It’s all a hellhole, ya know, until it isn’t. And when it isn’t is, well, everything. Thank you. (This essay should be published in mother tongue, btw).
Oh my gosh yes, this example. You say it so well. (And I am going to quote you on the "it's all a hellhole, until it isn't" thing 😆)
This deserves to be a book.
It was going to be the theme of a chapter in the book I ended up deciding not to write!
WRITE.THAT.BOOK!
Love this and love you!
And I yoooooou!
Yes! Yes! Yes! (in the When Harry Met Sally sense of things-- such a dated reference):
I think it matters that I tell you that when one of my children reaches for my hand in a store, or cracks a joke that makes me cackle, or dances with me in the kitchen, my soul is, just for a moment, relieved of the burden of being human in this harsh world; just for a moment asked to hold nothing but the pleasure of loving and being loved.
I have a 22 and a 19 year old and this is still true, though they aren't reaching for my hand or sitting on my lap for a squeeze anymore or dancing with me in the kitchen bc they don't live here. (Okay, sometimes I still get a hug now and again.) But I do get to dance to music they make and laugh at their jokes and have amazing conversations with them that make me feel the same way. Thanks for articulating it, and I hope Chappell gets to read it! What are the chances?
I am 100% here for the WHMS reference! 😂 love it so much
And one of my favorite things is hearing moms of young adults describe their new relationship with their kids. It makes me excited for the future, so thanks for that gift.
You may like a couple of my more recent posts then... :-)
So much of this resonates with me, a dad who also sometimes identifies as a mother bear.
Yup, its so real for dads too!
Motherhood has saved me too. Again and again. So many years my only pleasure. And now these adults that I call my own? It is pure unadulterated pleasure to be loved by them. I will stake my life on the fact that motherhood does not make one woman superior to another. But I will also defend it beauty will all my being.
You are true motherhood goals. I love witnessing what you've created with your boys.
As a middle aged woman who has never had the privilege of being a biological mother, I loved reading this! It helped me understand a glimpse into the beauty in motherhood. Thank you for staring into space for hours in order to articulate it for us, Shan! :)
😘😘
I’m not a mum and am coming through the grief of that but reading this has shown me that with my four nieces and one neph I do share many of the pleasures that you mention. When one of the kids trusts me with a sweet wrapper or a secret feeling or shows me something they’ve made or screams out the name they’ve made up for me - I am saved. Being seen by a kid is gold. Thank you for helping me to feel included 💛
Thank you for sharing this. I've seen it with my own sister when she's with my kids, who are in some way hers, too, just like your nieces and nephew.
Yes! Ma’am! Can you hear me clapping from several time zones over? Thank you for so eloquently taking a wrecking ball to our binary thinking.
Still dreaming of a Lord of The Flies weekend with all our feral kids!
Haha, yes!
Oh, how this needs to be said, and how beautifully Shannon says it! Thank you, wild and witty and woolly mom!
Reading this nodding empathetically yelling "YES!!!!" over and over again. Thank you for sharing your lived experience, your thoughts and your words 👏 ✨ Especially this- "I think it matters that I tell you that for all the ways mothering sucks the life out of me, it also breathes it back a hundredfold. I think it matters that I tell you that my children’s companionship has pulled me from the brink of darkness, unbeknownst to them. I think it matters that I tell you that when one of my children reaches for my hand in a store, or cracks a joke that makes me cackle, or dances with me in the kitchen, my soul is, just for a moment, relieved of the burden of being human in this harsh world; just for a moment asked to hold nothing but the pleasure of loving and being loved."
So grateful for your heartfelt reading!
I’m in tears. This perfectly describes it. Thank you.
🥹🙏🏻
That last paragraph!
I have long thought that part of the problem with trying to describe the pleasures of motherhood is that we don't have adequate ways to talk about bodies that aren't sexualized. There is this exquisite joy that comes with the proximity and intimacy that parenting brings - the touch, sound, smell, sight, feel of caring for another small, tender, growing body and mind and soul - but how can we express this without sounding weird or creepy? But watching them growing, just beholding them at all, let alone the absolute transformation involved if we get to bear and birth and nurse them - it has utterly turned my world upside down and I struggle to put it into words. Thank you for wrestling with the ineffable. We need more of this, because I fear that we are haven't adequately conveyed the heights as well as the depths of what mothering means.
Oh gosh you are so right. The intimacy, the physicality, the body-ness of it all... we don't have enough ways to talk about that part of being human.
Laura, my oldest is 11 and I believe while he was still very young I first heard a statement about adoring your child so much you could eat them. I immediately thought that while it such a strange statement it is absolutely true. We lack words that articulate the feeling of love for our children and end up with all these other odd ways of expressing how we feel.
Thank you.